i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
