I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
