life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
