I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
