apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
