I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my phone needs a breathalizer
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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