I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
