In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We were destined to go to rehab together
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize