I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
