He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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