I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
