she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
