I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
