I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I lost the right to judge tonight
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