I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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