Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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