she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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