the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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