the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
