Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My ATM looks so different sober.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
