I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
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