Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
