im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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