Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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