I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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