Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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