He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
no you cant smoke seaweed
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
