im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
