nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
my being single is dangerous.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
