Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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