She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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