woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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