I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
