I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
