I am spending my child support on dildos
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize