Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
