I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize