Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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