i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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