I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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