Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
