my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
