i just wanna soil my oats bro
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I need to calm my uterus...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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