Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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