Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
