chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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