I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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