Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize