I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
