my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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