im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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