Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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