dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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