oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
