you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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