sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
