if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
