Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
then he tried to convert me to islam
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
