did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
