We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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