So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
