i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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